By Susan Baida

Two things happened yesterday that inspired me to write about this.  I received a notice that my grandfather has been moved to yet another nursing home, the fourth one in three years.  I also heard from a new friend who wrote me about how she is moving her mother into a nursing home for the first time.  She feels extremely sad and guilty about it and wonders how to break the news to her.

Breaking the news about moving them to a nursing home is one of the most difficult things a child could tell a parent.  The feelings of guilt and sadness can seem overwhelming.  Most elders who lived independent lives, in their own homes, on their own schedules, have a very difficult time accepting this.  I know I would.  They prefer their own homes, not to be dependent on others, and fear being forgotten by family and friends. 

Most often, elders enter a nursing home after being discharged from a hospital, when they can no longer be cared for at home, or as a last resort when the cost of homecare is not affordable anymore.  No matter what the circumstances, the nursing home option is not typically a desired one.  The advice on breaking the news to a parent is to do it with great empathy, sensitivity and planning:

·         Be upfront and honest with them about the situation.  Be transparent about the financial challenges or whatever other circumstances are making it difficult to continue their current mode of care. Communication is essential even if they are resistant to it.

·         Make them part of the process of researching care options if possible.  Share your findings with them, and demonstrate how you have exhausted all the options.  If possible, allow them to reach this conclusion on their own.  Maybe you can involve them in selecting the right nursing home.  My grandfather’s nursing home challenges have been mostly because of lack of personality fit.

·         The earlier you communicate the better.  They may be very angry and resistant.  The earlier they are aware, the more time they will have to adjust and mentally prepare.

·         Break the news with siblings or someone your parent loves and trusts as well.  It’s not easy doing this alone.  Having other loved ones around assuring them that they will always have visitors and will not be left alone will be very helpful.

With about 1.5 million people in nursing homes (according to U.S. Census Data), you are not alone in breaking the news.  It is also very normal to feel enormous guilt and sadness.  Here is a link that you might find helpful, "A Guide for Families: Making a Transition to Nursing Facility Life."   http://www.longtermcareliving.com/pdf/making_transition.pdf

To find a certified nursing home, use our Search Engine to find a facility in your local area.

If you have any helpful tips on breaking the news, I invite you to share them in the Comments section below.