Expert Q & A
Easing Sibling Disagreements in End-of-Life Decision Making
Apr 26, 2012 09:59AM
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Question: My siblings and I always disagree about what to do while dealing with end-of-life issues related to my father. Are there any coping strategies you can suggest?
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End-of-Life Expert, Ellen Coughlin
Answer:
Discussing end-of-life issues about someone you love can be very difficult. As siblings, your father means something different to all of you – these differences are often the source of disagreements and misunderstanding. There are a few strategies you can try to help ease the situation.
• Set up a family meeting. A family meeting is a great way to identify your common goals for your dad and bring to the table any items that are causing frustration. If your dad is able to communicate and articulate his wishes, be sure to include him in the meeting. His wishes should be the starting point for the conversation between you and your siblings.
If your father is not able to communicate, this should be the first item on your meeting agenda. Throughout life, parents often share different aspects of their wishes with their children. The family meeting is a place where you and your siblings can discuss your personal understanding of his wishes.
• Give assignments. The family meeting should help you identify the common goals each of you has in mind for your dad. Once these are clear, you can determine how you will help him achieve these goals by “assigning” or delegating tasks to different siblings. Each of you has a different set of interests and abilities, so keep that in mind. For example, if someone is an attorney he/she can work on legal issues, while the family math wiz can handle finances.
Each of you wants to feel useful and part of your dad’s final days. Being involved and feeling productive actually helps us cope with the serious illness of a loved one and feelings of loss.
• Enjoy time together doing things unrelated to your dad’s illness. Very often siblings begin to communicate only about their parent, forgetting the things they have in common and enjoy doing together. Schedule times to do something fun, even if it’s just going to a book store together or watching a favorite television show. This will help strengthen your relationship and make you an even stronger care giving team for your dad.
Most importantly, keep in mind that each of you loves your dad and wants what is best for him at this important phase of life.
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Ellen P. Coughlin, RN, MPA, MA, CHPN, has been the Vice President of Patient and Family Services for Barnabas Health Hospice and Palliative Care Center, a Barnabas Health facility located in northern New Jersey, since 1997. Currently serving as a Board Member for the New Jersey Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NJHPCO), Ellen is also a member of the NJHPCO’s Pediatric End-of-Life Care Committee/Quality Partner Committee.
For more information, go to http://www.saintbarnabas.com/
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