How we communicate with each other is key to family harmony, particularly during times of illness.  Avoiding conflicts and feuds can ensure that families maintain a focus on care.  eCareDiary received many comments about my webinar on “Ending the Family Feud”, so I’m providing more tips about family communication this month.All of us know the importance of early detection of physical illness; the same principle can be applied to watching for early warning signs (I call them “red flags”) that signal trouble ahead, either conflict or outright family feuding.

Comparing our communication skills to medical detection and treatment is worthwhile, because as a caregiver, your early detection and treatment of communication “red flags” will sooth hurt and angry feelings, thus preventing more conflict. 

So how can we detect family communication issues early on?  I call this skill “Detecting Red Flags”.  Communication problems (“red flags”) occur when someone is feeling left out of decision making, when someone is taking advantage of their position power, when unhealthy family alliances are created, or when assumptions about behavior are made. Some typical communication ‘red flags’ in each of these areas are:

-Feeling Left Out“I don’t know why Alex took Mom to the doctor.  I never get a say in the matter.”“My oldest brother makes all the financial decisions.”

-Taking Advantage of Position Power“Don’t worry about it.  Remember I’m the big sister.”“Tom, my older brother and Amy, my younger sister, always tell me what to do. Why can’t I make a decision once in awhile?”

-Creating Family Alliances“Jan, I think you and I should take Dad on a vacation and leave the others at home.”“Rita and Josh always corner Mom and get her to go along with their ideas.”

-Making Assumptions“Dexter is still upset that I didn’t come to his house for Thanksgiving last year.”“Jim always makes all the legal decisions and loves it.”Often, “red flag” categories and comments focus on personal feelings about lack of control or responsibility.  When a family member says something similar to the above comments, both caregivers and other family members can apply easy and effective  communication treatments to them.

The treatments for “red flags” are very easy to remember:  Confirm the Person and Clarify His/Her Comment. 

For example:Let’s take one of the comments above, “I don’t know why Alex took Mom to the doctor.  I never get a say in the matter.” Confirm the comment by saying, “You are right, Alex always is the one to take Mom to the doctor.”  Then clarify by asking, “Why is it always Alex?” or “Why don’t we ask Alex if he’d like some help?”  By confirming and clarifying, you achieve two things:

First, you show the person you understand their point of view. (Note: You understand but maybe do not necessarily agree.) 

Second, you encourage the person to dig deeper into what is occurring.  Maybe Alex thinks he is the only one who has time.  Maybe Alex would like some help.  Simply assuming that Alex just wants control and power may be wrong.

Let’s take one more of the earlier comments and try both confirming and clarifying the comment.

If a family member says, “Don’t worry about it.  Remember I’m the big sister”, confirm by saying something like, “I know you are and I appreciate your protecting me” and then clarify by asking, “Would you like some help?  We could do it together and save time?” By confirming and clarifying, the younger sister helps her older sister feel appreciated while encouraging her to share decision making.

As we approach the long Labor Day weekend, I hope you’ll try your skills at confirming and clarifying when you hear family members’ comments.  Holidays are a typical time for subtle and sometimes not so subtle family conflict to pop up.  I guarantee you’ll see some results from early detection and treatment of communication “red flags”.

To learn more about managing family dynamics, read Margery Pabst’s article, Don’t Wait for a Caregiving Crisis to have a Family Meeting, here.

Margery Pabst is the co-author of Enrich Your Caregiving Journey which won the “2010 Caregiver Friendly Award”.  Margery,  eCareDiary’s caregiving expert, is the host of “Caregiver and Physician Conversations” which can be heard on BlogTalkRadio the last Tuesday of each month at 2PM ET.  Margery also writes a caregiving feature, “Ask the Expert” for eCareDiary each month.  Access Margery Pabst’s information at www.pivotalcrossings.com.

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