The stories we tell ourselves are critical because perception of self is a key factor for any endeavor. Stories affect our feelings of self worth and determine how we behave toward others. What we say to ourselves has many implications for both family and professional caregivers. Our inner voice answers questions like, “How do I view the world?” and “Do I focus on positive experiences and help others to do the same?” It really is an issue of ‘Be careful what you tell yourself; it just might come true’. The stories we tell ourselves set forth powerful expectations, so why not focus on the positive rather than the negative?
First, we need to be aware of our inner stories. I find that the following questions help in determining your frame of mind. Give each of the following questions a rating: 5=Always, 4=Almost Always, 3=Sometimes, 2=Rarely, and 1=Never.
Do I......
shut off new ideas?
provide excuses for not trying new things?
identify the negatives in any situation before looking for the positives?
spend time explaining to others why something can’t be done?
hear myself saying words like, “I can’t”, “You can’t”, “We shouldn’t”, etc.
Total - Determine your total number of points.
If your score is 20 or higher, consider changing your thoughts and behaviors to a more positive outlook for yourself and others.
For a long time, I carried a story around in my head which limited my possibilities. I grew up on a farm and, for the first third of my life, I thought my upbringing didn’t measure up to people who lived in cities. When I went to college, I considered many of my friends to be more cultured than I who merely knew how to milk cows and gather eggs. “How could I possibly catch up with their cultural knowledge?” I told myself. I said things to myself like, “I couldn’t live in a city” or “I can’t study music because I would have so much catching up to do!” Fortunately, a professor intervened, questioning my negative thinking. Through her encouragement, I forged ahead through my fear and discovered a wonderful world of art, writing, and music. I’ve tried to apply this early lesson to other challenges in my life-- like caregiving.
Consider your caregiving journey. Are you telling yourself, your loved one, your family stories which limit the possibilities? Do the words you use (‘can’t’, ‘won’t’, shouldn’t’ etc.) limiting you?
A useful exercise is to list all the things you can’t do and then examine each one. Try to find a ‘Can’t’ that you can convert to a ‘Can’. Another strategy is to think about your childhood (as in my example). Are there aspects of your childhood experience that have framed your perceptions or your possibilities? Are those experiences affecting the way you provide care?
As a caregiver, I found the list of things I couldn’t do got longer and longer with time. As my husband’s illness became more chronic, my PERCEPTIONS DISABLED ME AND MY LOVED ONE. THEY NARROWED OUR POSSIBILITIES and threatened to impede healing. Sound familiar? As Spring nears, my hope is that we become more aware of the stories we tell ourselves. From that awakening, a positive outlook may be born.
Margery Pabst is the co-author of “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey”, a book which won the 2010 “Caregiver Friendly Award” given by Today’s Caregiver Magazine. The book has over 130 tips and tools for caring for yourself while caring for others. Margery is also the host of eCareDiary’s “Caregiver and Physician Conversation” which airs on BlogTalkRadio the last Tuesday of each month at 2PM EDT.
