My father lost his battle with Parkinson’s disease a little over 2 years ago.  He wasn’t just my father; he was also one of my best friends, so his death hit me very hard.

We would talk almost every day about sports, politics, the world and what was going on in our lives.  To this day, I miss him greatly and think about him daily. 

My grieving period was bittersweet because 3 weeks after my father passed away we learned that my wife, Susan, was pregnant with our first child.  We had been trying to get pregnant for 22 months, and finding out we were bringing another life into the world was truly a cycle of life moment. 

The impending birth of our daughter made the grieving process easier but didn’t make the feelings go away.  I went through most of the 5 Stages of Grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  In the literature on grief, these stages are presented in a linear manner where you go from one stage to the next until you accept what has happened. 

I found my grief to be circular and that not all the stages applied to me.  For example, I was never angry about my father’s death.  He lived until age 83 and had been suffering horribly the last year as the Parkinson’s disease ravaged his body.  While his death was incredibly sad, in some ways it was blessing.  He wasn’t suffering anymore, and he died peacefully with his family surrounding him just as he wished.

I also found that the literature on grief did not focus on the guilt you feel after a loved one is gone.  I served as my father’s primary caregiver for the last 4 years of his life.  I enabled him to live as full and productive a life that he could as his Parkinson’s progressively worsened.  I managed his personal affairs, his healthcare and took him to baseball games, Florida for Spring Training, on vacation, and around town.

I know now that I did my best to help him.  My sisters and other family members have thanked me for enabling him to have a fulfilling and happy life in his final years.  However, when I was grieving, I kept asking myself if I could have done more.  I would revisit the breaks I took where I went away with my wife or took a breather to recoup my energy.  These were all necessary and healthy for both of us.  I needed time with my wife, and I was a better caregiver to him by being able to recharge my batteries. 

During the grieving process you may be surprised by your feelings.  I spoke with friends who had lost parents or loved ones.  It was therapeutic and eye opening to learn their experiences.  One of my close friends told me I would be thinking about my father every day long after he was gone.  To this day that is true. 

If you are in or about to enter the grieving process, expect the unexpected.  Time will heal the hurt you feel time but talking with friends or family, joining a support group or getting professional can help get you through this tough time.  In the end, do what’s works best for you.  Just try not to do it alone.