Often, the New Year brings a new beginning, but on a long caregiving journey it often brings many more difficult days.  While her sister endures months of pain and chemo treatments for pancreatic cancer, my friend, Dee, flies cross-country to be at her side.  As dementia ravages Andrea’s mother, my friend calls in tears to say her mom is now on hospice.  Witnessing my friends’ heartbreak, I recall the pain of watching helplessly as cancer or Alzheimer’s consumed those I loved.  At times, the grief, guilt, anger, and exhaustion were almost unbearable.  I wondered how I could go on, but I had no choice.  However much I hurt, they hurt more.  I would not let myself quit.  Like Dee and Andrea, I dug deep and somehow found the energy to continue caring. 

How about you?  Are you overwhelmed or exhausted by being a caregiver?  Are you distraught by being unable to stop pain or death?  If you wonder, “How can I go on,” remember resilience, your power to persevere and prevail.  The capacity to adapt and cope with adversity lies deep within you, no matter how tumultuous external events or your inner feelings may be.  To connect with your resilient energy, recall other tough times when you bounced back and even became stronger.  Resilience helps transform the daunting into do-able, and converts dreadful experiences into learning and growing experiences.  Present to varying degrees in every human being, resilience can be strengthened with attention and practice.  Building resilience helps sustain your health, well-being and capacity to care; it helps you cope and reduces your vulnerability to stress.  Here are some ideas for building the resilience to cope with caregiving challenges:

Care for yourself as you care for others: Remember the well-known airplane advice?  Put your oxygen mask on first, before you try to help others.  The same applies to caregivers.  You can’t help if you can’t function.    Practice holistic self-care by nurturing all six aspects of your life: physical, emotional, mental, social, occupational and spiritual.  Choose any self-soothing activity that helps you relax, have fun or feel pampered.  Also, use self-discipline activities, like dieting or exercise that may be less pleasurable but will contribute to your health and well-being.

Center yourself: Recognize you are a living human being, not a “caregiving machine.”  To avoid energy depletion, conserve your energy.  Define what is important and what is not.  Say, “No” to people and practices that waste time or are toxic to your peace of mind.  Replenish energy by breathing deeply for at least three minutes each day.  Clear your mind of worry by meditating, praying, journaling or communing with nature.

Channel your thoughts: Beliefs lead you to feel and behave in certain ways.  Optimism promotes good health, lower stress, successful relationships and the strength to handle adversity.  Replace pessimistic thoughts with empowering and affirming words or mental images.  Visualize yourself as strong and capable; as you do, savor the positive feelings that arise.  Finally, avoid negativism, hostility and cynicism; these thought patterns can harm you.

Choose wisely: When caregiving choices are stressful or have far-reaching consequences, consult with respected and trustworthy friends, family or professionals.  View decisions with a long-term or broad perspective.  When decisions are emotion-charged, diffuse the situation by reframing; mentally think of the decision in calmer or more manageable terms.  Adapt by letting-go when situations are beyond your control.

Cultivate community: Connecting with others builds resilience; it decreases stress while feeding your physical and mental health.  Join with others in fun that will relax you.  Don’t always try to do things yourself.  Ask for help from reliable, concerned people, and graciously accept what is offered.   Avoid those who make you feel guilty for needing help, and who are so overextended that they can’t or won’t deliver. Be inspired by this video: http://bit.ly/gaHUek  in which a Vietnam veteran shares the remarkable story of how he and other POWs handled the adversity of three years in solitary confinement.  As a caregiver, develop your own “tap code” for reaching out and communicating when you feel isolated.  

If your caregiving journey is difficult in this New Year, remember resilience, the power to persevere and prevail.  It always lies deep within you.  When facing adversity, tap this inner strength to help you survive and thrive.  

Jane Meier Hamilton MSN, RN, a nurse for 35 years and family caregiver for 20 years, founded Partners on the Path www.partnersonthepath.org to help professional and family caregivers preserve their health, well-being and capacity to care. Read her book, Journey of a Lifetime: The Caregiver’s Guide to Self-Care (Infinity 2010) to learn sensible, effective ways to cope with your caregiver stress.