The word ‘empathy’ is an abused word.  We all like to think we understand it and use it to good effect, but do we?  Even if we are aware of the potential of being empathic, do we dig deep or do our attempts remain at a superficial level?  Let’s explore, during this month of love, more meaningful ways to use empathy and commit ourselves to its deeper potential for creating love and kindness all year long.

We can never really “be in another person’s shoes” as the cliche goes, but we can remind ourselves of ways to more closely understand another person’s situation.  As a caregiver, I found myself hurrying through a day, doing all the logistical errands, and then discovering at the end of the day, that I neglected the most important gesture of all--listening to my loved one.  First, it’s important to remind ourselves that empathy is not AGREEING WITH SOMEONE; rather, it is UNDERSTANDING.  We can begin to understand another person’s feelings without agreeing. If our patient/care receiver is making demands that we can’t fulfill, we can try to understand the point of view.  We can see where that person’s perception is without having the same perspective.  Awareness  that we need to ‘understand’ rather than ‘agree’ frees us up from a desire to push our opinions forward, become defensive, or let our ego take over to make statements about our point of view.  Freedom to simply listen to understand brings us closer rather than pulling us apart.  I also find that often listening to understand will help to calm the person’s concerns even if I can’t fulfill the wishes expressed.

Another mistake I catch myself making is to assume that empathy means giving a personal example of a similar situation when someone offers up a story/situation.  For example, my friend Rita might say, “I’m really having trouble with my Dad.  He’s becoming more forgetful, and I’m worried that he’s getting worse.”  If I respond by saying, “Oh that happened to my Dad too, but he never developed Alzheimers”, I take the focus away from my friend to myself.  In this example, I’ve not listened and shown empathy to my friend Rita, the caregiver.

What just happened in this example?  I took the attention from my friend and drew it to me; I robbed her of completing her story.  I may have thought I was being empathic, but  the impact I actually created was the opposite.  In its worst form, this type of communication can become “one ups man ship”.  Such responses are very typical, because we often relate what someone else is experiencing to our own situation.  We can and should help our friends and families by relating our personal situations, but not until their story is complete and we’ve shown them that we are listening.  Being quiet and listening is the best way to show love that I know!  To empathize with a loved one or friend, a better response is to question and draw out the rest of the story with additional details that provide a more complete picture of your friend or family member’s issue.

Time or our perceived lack of it is, of course, at the root of not digging deeper into empathy.  We live in a staccato society where many communications are reduced to ‘tweets’ or cryptic comments.  A superficial communication often results from this hurried and on the go style.  For example, I greet you and say, “How are you today?” and your response is “Fine”.  If I take this response at its ‘tip of the iceberg’ level, any understanding of your real situation will be lost.  Asking “How are you today?” may be a good starter to a conversation but not as its finish.  I find that the question, “What’s on your mind today?” to be a productive beginning, because the response may often start with what the person is thinking, and then develop to issues of the heart and soul.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered my mother’s coffee pot, a pot that saw over 40 years of use.  Battered and missing a handle, it is as sturdy as ever and still makes great coffee.  Over the years, Mom tried a percolator or two but she always came back to her metal drip pot.  The only problem?  Making coffee was slow.  The holes in the coffee basket are very tiny (probably one of the secrets of the fine coffee this pot makes), and thus brewing time extends up to 20-25 minutes. We often sat and talked and had the time to hear each other and truly understand what the challenges of the day were and how we felt about them.  That pot slowed us down.  I keep the coffee pot around to remind me that slowing down and listening is critical for forging relationships.

So here’s my thought and challenge for you.  Think of a family “relic” you may have that will visually remind you of your need to dig deeper into empathy, maybe something that encourages gathering around and sharing stories.  The second part of this challenge is to find new ways to take the time to listen, absorb, and truly understand the people around you. 

Happy Valentines’ Day!

Margery Pabst is the co-author of “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey” which won the 2010 Caregiver Friendly Award” given by Today’s Caregiver Magazine and caregiving.com  She is also the host of eCareDiary’s new show, “Caregiver and Physician Conversations”  on BlogTalkRadio.  The show airs the last Tuesday of each month at 2PM EDT.  For more information on Margery and her work, see www.pivotalcrossings.com