Some families couldn’t wait until January 2 arrived and all the extra relatives were gone. Old sibling rivalries which tend to resurface over turkey and dressing can leave a bad taste in one’s mouth.
Now we begin a new year, back to the humdrum routine of caregiving. If you’re wishing family conflicts will all go away, they won’t.
If you feel helpless to make changes, you can.
A recent study by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP (December, 2010) found that 44.4 million Americans age 18 or older provide unpaid care to an adult.
The typical caregiver is a 46-year old Baby Boomer woman with some college education who works and spends more than 20 hours per week caring for her mother who lives nearby.
Female caregivers provide more hours of care and provide a higher level of care than male caregivers.
Almost seven in ten (69%) caregivers say they help one person.
The average length of caregiving is 4.3 years.
Many caregivers fulfill multiple roles. Most are married or living with a partner (62), and most have worked and managed caregiving responsibilities at the same time (74).
So you are not alone, and you may benefit from the following Top 10 Caregiver Conflict Tips and begin the New Year with I Resolve to…
1.Listen. My friend Edward Leigh writes in his “Joy on the Job” newsletter, “Eye contact is not enough to show the other person you are fully listening….There is still one more item—body posture.” He suggests squaring up, that is, align your eyes, face and shoulders with the speaker. Then, “listen as though you will be tested on what the other person is saying.” This helps us to focus instead of preparing our rebuttal.
2.Engage. As often as possible, make your older loved ones feel important by involving them in conversation, asking their opinions, planning a birthday party, involving them in small tasks (folding towels, sorting mail, handing you flower bulbs when you plant them).
3.Redirect. An acquaintance of our family cares for her 83-year old father who is in mid-stage of Alzheimer’s. No matter what he says, she argues with him. “Dad, you’re not 81, you’re 83.” “Dad, you don’t live in Virginia; you live in Cleveland with us, and you’re not going back.” “No, you don’t own a truck any more.” You get the picture. All this does is confuse him more. Redirecting the conversation would be much more sensitive and effective. Say something like, “Dad, tell me about you truck. I know you enjoy driving it.” or, “Dad, remind me again what you like best about your house.” This redirects the conversation to a calmer memory of the older adult and helps engage in a new conversation.
4.Get help. Running on empty won’t get your very far. Ask for help in the family (it may be money, meals, time away, rotation with doctor trips for your loved one). Investigate what community services, support groups, outreach from faith-based groups are available to you. If there is conflict within the family, hire an Elder Mediator to help resolve those differences.
5.Show respect. Naomi Feil, noted social worker, author and founder of Validation Therapy, teaches that even in advanced old age and with late-stage Alzheimer’s, people sense feelings. If caregivers are impatient, given to name-calling or physically rough, the older adult senses those feeling, though we think he/she may not even hear.
6.Pamper myself. We all have our own favorite ways to do this. A mani-pedi, Starbucks latte, massage, lunch with a close friend. Schedule something to look forward to once a week or two that will help keep you balanced and restored.
7.Say H-A-L-T. This tip comes from an article by Lisa Carey (November, 2007) who suggests that when a caregiver feels Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, it’s time for self-care. These conditions may not only affect you, but may spill over into your care of your loved one.
8.Lower expectations. In anger management models, one of the best ways to reduce anger is to lower expectations. Your aging father used to be able to walk in the door, take off his coat, sit down to lunch and know what silverware to use. Now with his advanced dementia, becoming angry with him because he can’t figure it out is pointless. You may need to guide him every step of the way and give simple hints one step at a time. “Dad, come on in.” “Let’s take off your jacket.” “Sit down with me for lunch,” and so on, allowing him to complete one task at a time before your next cue.
9.Find respite care. Many nursing homes offer respite care for one to several days/weekends. Take advantage of a weekend away with your spouse/partner to recoup, relax and work on your other relationship(s).
10.Breathe. Meditate. Pray. Even spending 15 minutes alone daily can help center yourself. Take a short walk and purposely inhale fresh air as you exhale negative thoughts. Put headphones on and listen to your favorite soothing music in a quiet corner of the house, perhaps when your loved one is resting. Ask for guidance and serenity from your Higher Power, and if necessary, seek counseling. You don’t have to go this alone.
Patti Bertschler is a clinical counselor, mediator, author, trainer and co-owner of Northcoast Conflict Solution in Seven Hills, Ohio. She is co-author of TRUCE! Using Elder Mediation to Resolve Conflict among Families, Seniors and Organizations (©2004) and Elder Mediation: A New Solution to Age-Old Problems (© 2009). Her booklet 88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive was published in 2010. Patti can be reached via website, www.ncsmediation.com or by calling (216) 236-6200.
