Yesterday, my energy was depleted from several demanding months at work and my nerves were frayed just thinking of all I needed to accomplish before December 25th.  No Christmas tree in the house or lights hung outside, decorations still in boxes in the attic, not one present wrapped and several yet to be bought.  To make matters worse, the only one in my household who seemed to care was me! 

Frustrated, overwhelmed and becoming madder by the minute, I left the house to avoid exploding, hoping a walk would settle me down.  Five minutes later, bursting into tears, my anger gave way to an unexpected wave of grief.  I hadn’t felt this sad and lonely for my Mom in a long while; she’s been gone for three years now.  Holiday preparation was always such fun with Mom: baking decorating, wrapping and singing Christmas songs together.  I missed her and the joy of sharing holidays.  The crying and walk helped me understand my feelings and relieved my frustration, but the fatigue, loss and long to-do list remain.  I am left wondering how I’ll get it all done without hurting myself and my family relations in the process.

How are you feeling as the holiday approaches?  Many people find their extra-busy December schedules overwhelming.  If you are caring for a loved one who is ill, disabled, elderly or a special needs child, you may have little physical or emotional energy left for holiday preparations.   Overloaded schedules almost always erode energy, calm and relationships…just the opposite of what we seek these holidays.  The carols sing out, “Love and joy come to you…Peace on earth and mercy mild…Peace on earth, good will toward men…Sleep in heavenly peace.”  How can we find love, joy and peace amidst too-long to-do lists, others who aren’t interested in “doing” and the ticking, ticking, ticking away of time until the 25th?

What came to me while walking and crying yesterday was this: choose peace.  Mahatma Gandhi once said, “There is no way to peace; peace is the way.”  And, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”  To experience the peace we seek, we must first think and act in peaceful ways.  Our behavior and mood affect others; emotions are contagious.  Are we adding positive energy, calm, optimism, respect and peace to our world, or draining it away?  Recalling another famous, but anonymous quote, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” I realized the peace of my household is in my hands.  Returning from my walk, here is what I decided to do.

Choose peace in my body:  Take a walk.  Enjoy delicious holiday food and drink in moderation. Stop when tired.  Go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Take a short nap.  Listen to some favorite music.  Get dressed and groomed in a festive way.  Speak kind words or nothing at all.  Hug others.  Laugh.  Sing.  When tears come, let them flow. 

Choose peace in my mind:  Reframe all the traditional expectations as “holiday options”; choose among them and let some go.  Say “No” to acting like a holiday-making machine; recognize the limits of being human.  Decide not to react to minor annoyances.  Make a list and check items off.  Seek help from willing supporters and let them do things their own way.  Remember, these are the good old days.

Choose peace in my heart: Pay attention to when defensiveness, frustration, negativity or anger emerge.  Breathe slowly and deeply from the abdomen and focus on this breathing for at least one minute whenever disturbing feelings arise.  Use affirming, positive self-talk, like, “I can do this.” Or “Little details are not important.”
Choose peace in my soul: Count Life’s many blessings.  Pray for the ability to think, feel and act in peaceful ways.  Let go of the image of a “Perfect Christmas.”  Attend Christmas services.  Savor time with loved ones, recalling they will not always be here.  Sing the words of carols as if they are coming from deep within.  Forgive.

I started in on this list yesterday and am happy to report, I didn’t explode.  With help from my husband and son, the tree and lights are up, without my having spoken toxic words.  I consciously chose peace when I returned from my walk, and will again today.   Wishing you peace today and all the days ahead.

Jane Meier Hamilton MSN, RN, a nurse for 35 years and family caregiver for 20 years, founded Partners on the Path www.partnersonthepath.org to help professional and family caregivers preserve their health, well-being and capacity to care. Read her book, Journey of a Lifetime: The Caregiver’s Guide to Self-Care (Infinity 2010) to learn sensible, effective ways to cope with your caregiver stress.