"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us..." - Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
These infamous words ring true in our age, as this is a nation of abundance, yet more people are becoming homeless and hungry; there is technology beyond anything formerly imagined, yet common sense is lacking; there is a varied array of religious beliefs, yet more of these freedoms are being silenced; indeed, Christmas and Chanukah are seasons of Light, and the powers of Darkness are evident around us; spring of hope that anything is possible, winter of despair in our economy; we have so much to do, and no jobs to sustain us.
My initial thought when asked to write about managing through the holidays was, this is easy, I should breeze right through this one! On second thought, it wasn't that easy because it seems it's all been said before. What could I say that hasn't been said "many times, many ways", as the popular Christmas song goes? How do I skip the obvious and still manage to say something helpful to others struggling to get through it all?
In a previous article, "You Look Like My Mother - But What Have You Done With Her?", I wrote about expectations and that is really the crux of the matter when it comes to coping with the underlying sadness and disappointment many people experience during the holidays. Hospitals are full of people needing treatment for depression during the most joyous of holidays - why is this?
It has to do with unrealistic expectations once again. We are bombarded by the media with commercials showing people with chiclet smiles opening gifts of diamonds, electronic gadgets and other expensive items. Even a Lexus can show up in your front driveway wrapped in a giant red bow, if you've been really good, no doubt! What? We've downsized to using one car in our household - what am I doing wrong?
Parents are pressured by the strain of wanting to give their children what they want and the desire to instill good values and teach what is truly important. Living within our means is not a lesson they will learn from big business or government. There are two ways to have more money: earn more, spend less, or both. An overall sense of guilt seems to prevail nowadays, along with feelings of entitlement. Why do some parents who had to work for everything they got feel they should be the ones to provide everything their children want? How does that prepare them for life in the real world?
Speaking of "reality", another way our sense of gratitude and well-being is assaulted is by the way families are portrayed in most standard holiday movies. Even knowing this is unreal, watching stories that always turn out happy endings can make us feel worse about not measuring up, when we may be feeling vulnerable and raw, looking at our own imperfect lives and having this perfect, and impossible, vision to strive for.
If we don't have a lot of money to shop, we get plenty of months to mull that over, as the stores lump all the holidays together now, starting in October. No more clearing the shelves of Halloween decorations before bringing out Thanksgiving and Christmas later. The Christmas trees with their lights and all the trimmings have crept into the stores in October, alongside the costumes and masks, leaves and cornucopia. It's bizarre!
I know I am not alone in saying that much of the magic of the season has been lost due to all the commercialism. I was stunned to learn that A Charlie Brown Christmas first aired in 1965. CB has been expressing his dissatisfaction about the commercialization of Christmas for that long! So how is it that, 45 years later, it's gotten even worse? I wonder, too, just as he often groaned, "is anyone listening?"
Baby boomers have difficult choices to make. We cannot be all things to all people. There is only so much of us to go around. Which leads me to mentioning our elderly relatives. "Ah, how can she not?", you might ask. As much as we love being with them and want to make the holidays nice for them, for us, there can be feelings of grief in remembering when our parents were better (healthier and more mobile).
If they cannot do as much as they used to or help out in the preparations, and the children are grown and out of town or are here and we are hosting the gatherings, it also adds to our fatigue.
The holidays are most difficult for families that have recently lost loved ones. Holiday plans are cancelled for funeral services and mourning overshadows joy. Years later, it's natural to grieve around the holidays about the people we miss most. After my dear friend Gail died over seventeen years ago, I described to a counselor that I felt she was still with me at times. She told me that was part of grieving and what I was actually feeling was loss. I don't recall who she quoted when telling me grief is "the continued presence of an absence."
Joy can't be experienced without sadness. All feelings are passing, so let them.
It was not my intention to stray too far from giving helpful hints on managing through the holidays. By all means, accomplish what you're able, but do what's important to you, do what you like, do what calms and grounds you and pamper yourself a little. Then close your eyes and let the rest of it go. Nobody will notice what you didn't do, anyway.
God's blessings to all!
Maureen Hildebrand has 10 years’ experience as a Case Manager delivering services to the adult care population in both public and private sectors. She has a Master's in Public Administration with a specialization in government. Maureen is currently working as an Elder Care Consultant based in Putnam Valley, NY and her contact information is seniorservicesspecialist@gmail.com.
