Every year I go through this.  No matter which holiday, I dredge up ancient family recipes (always the longest and hardest to make), clean like a madwoman, think of new and clever ways to decorate (God forbid I should use the same table décor as last year!), and promise I’m going to pace myself so as not to forget the reason for whichever season.

SoundS familiar?  Are you concerned about compromising traditions your family has gathered over generations if you begin to make changes during the holidays that will assure your family a more tranquil celebration?

Get over it.  That’s good old-fashioned Jewish/Catholic/Protestant (we all think we corner to market on it) guilt talking. 

Here are some ideas I’ve collected to consider as we head toward another holiday season.  Pick one or two you’d like to try involving your children as you create new traditions…

Hold a family “pow-wow” BEFORE the holiday season begins.  Make a list of all the traditions and activities they hold dear and can’t live without.  Make a second list of one’s they’d rather skip.  Systematically decide which to keep, which to eliminate. Make a third list of new activities, schedules, attitudes, traditions to incorporate this year.  Take into consideration all the changes in the family over the past year: weddings, births, deaths, nursing home placements, divorce, new friends, travel requirements, etc.   If the family composition can change so much in a year, why not change a tradition or two?  It used to be traditional to use out-houses.  Get it?
List Traditions under KEEP, GET RID OF and NEW ONES.

I know you’ve heard this before.  Instead of making the entire dinner yourself, ask invited family/guests to each bring a dish.  This year, do it.

Take care of yourself.  If you’re getting a bit antsy and need a break, set the timer.  The children will survive your 10 minute time out.

Maintain perspective.  Burnt yams or flat soufflés are nothing compared to the millions of people world-wide who have no food at all most days.  One year,  mom had the entire Thanksgiving dinner ready to serve at 4:00.  Problem was, the three dishes she put in the oven to bake simultaneously never cooked thanks to the oven that decided to take the afternoon off!  Thank goodness for microwaves.  Dinner was just a little later, and we all thanked mom for our unforgettable Thanksgiving.  She got over her embarrassment quickly.

Delegate.  Delegate.  Delegate.   You know what I mean.  You know who you are. 

Consider reading some books such as Unplugging the Christmas Machine by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli, and other titles which address the conflict between the spirituality and commercialism many of us face during the holidays.

Cut your card list WAY down.  Unless you thoroughly enjoy this task, try another approach. Make the list.  But instead of writing a card, place a brief phone call to each one on the list, spread out over the first several months of the year.  Explain that this is in lieu of the usual card, and that “these five minutes are especially for you.”  Limiting the time of the call will also be helpful in avoiding feeling overwhelmed.

If your loved one is in a nursing home or assisted living, take the card list along and ask his/her help.  Another new tradition.

Take care of yourself.  Keep a sense of humor.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Journal if it helps. Involve the children in as many small chores as possible such as being in charge of new decorations for the festive table.  Take an occasional power nap.  Sip tea.  Read an inspirational book snippet.     Don’t worry about those who are overly dependent on you. As soon as you return from taking care of yourself, they will resume their dependency and you will be more refreshed to tolerate it better.

Re-read the above statement.  

Happy Thanksgiving.   Happy Chanukah.  Merry Christmas.  Happy Kwanzaa

First published in Cleveland/Akron Family Magazine, December, 2002.  Reprinted with permission.

Patti Bertschler is a clinical counselor, mediator, author, trainer and co-owner of Northcoast Conflict Solution in Seven Hills, Ohio. She is co-author of TRUCE! Using Elder Mediation to Resolve Conflict among Families, Seniors and Organizations (©2004) and Elder Mediation:  A New Solution to Age-Old Problems (© 2009).  Her booklet 88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive was published in 2010.  Patti can be reached via website, www.ncsmediation.com or by calling (216) 236-6200.