It is November 25, 2004, Thanksgiving Day, but today is a different kind of Thanksgiving. Following two serious falls earlier this week, I walk the halls with Mom in her wheelchair, trying to get used to this unfamiliar rehab facility. With advancing Parkinson’s and dementia, Mom’s limitations are painfully obvious. Without Dad, who died six months ago, we tearfully reminisce and read poems she wrote to him during brighter days. In a room filled with strangers, we talk while she eats her institutionally prepared turkey dinner…not an emotionally easy day.
Not my typical Thanksgiving Day…no feasts or festivities, friends or families gathered ‘round. Just the two of us with hours to share, I find myself telling her about the things I am thankful for: that she is my mother and that she taught me to love God and love others. She taught me to be good and kind; to be a gracious hostess, a good cook and to make a happy home. I look into her eyes and promise that I will act in a loving way toward my bothersome brother and she is happy to hear that. I tell her I love her and she says she loves me. As I leave, she says it is a gift that I came to be with her. She thanks me and kisses me good-bye. Lying in bed as I leave, she looks frail, vulnerable, but also peaceful. For this time together and this small moment of peace, I give thanks.
Are you in a difficult phase of caregiving, knowing that this will be a different kind of Thanksgiving Day? Then this will likely be challenging in emotional, mental, physical or even spiritual ways. Your situation and feelings are uniquely your own, but your need to take care of yourself is a universal principle of health and well-being. To help you through a difficult holiday, try some of these ideas.
Connect: Talk with someone who you know will understand your feelings and concerns. By phone, in person or in writing, share openly and let their listening be a source of support and comfort.
Refocus: Shift your thoughts from beautiful memories of past holidays that raise feelings of loss. You don’t have the past or the future; all that you have is now. Create something enlivening or meaningful; ask what new tradition can I start today?
Write a new story: Rescript the message in your mind that says this situation is awful or overwhelming. Think empowering thoughts that affirm your strength and ability. Ask what is good in this moment, on this day? Think of as many examples as you can and focus on them throughout the day.
Practice gratitude: Giving thanks is the root of peace and joy. Write a “blessings list” and reflect on all for which you are grateful. Visit www.gratefulness.org and sign-up to receive inspiring quotes about gratitude in their “Word for the Day.”
Take heart: Following night’s darkness is dawn. After winter always comes spring. Reflect on the words of Julian of Norwich, 14th century English mystic: “All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.”
If this is a different kind of Thanksgiving for you, be gentle with yourself. Mixed in with the unfamiliar and uncomfortable, may you experience enough moments of solace that you are also able to sense a spirit of thanksgiving.
Jane Meier Hamilton MSN, RN, a nurse for 35 years and family caregiver for 20 years, founded Partners on the Path www.partnersonthepath.org to help professional and family caregivers preserve their health, well-being and capacity to care. Read her book, Journey of a Lifetime: The Caregiver’s Guide to Self-Care (Infinity 2010) to learn sensible, effective ways to cope with your caregiver stress.
