A few months before my mom died at 80, she told me that she decided not to renew the lease on her car and to voluntarily give up her keys. She said, “I don’t want to be like one of those old people who get in accidents and refuse to quit driving before it’s too late!”

I was so proud of her for that, and my heart went out to her because I saw the period of sadness she went through when she lost her “wheels.”

We were lucky. Hard as it was, mom arrived at this decision all on her own. For many families, however, such is not the case.

Adult caregivers call us often, frantic because “Dad was in another accident, and I had to leave work to go get him.” Or, “The last two times mother was on the road, she forgot how to get back. The police had to call me.” Or, “Dad’s insurance keeps going up every time he’s in an accident. But I can’t convince him to stop driving.” I’m sure you have your own stories to tell.

In her article “How to Tell Elderly Relatives they should No Longer be Driving Alone,” Diane Peltz writes, “People with dementia are on the roads every day. They aren’t able to assess their own driving skills, and their caregivers have reason for concern. Approximately 94% of Alzheimer’s patients feel as though they are safe drivers, but only 41% of them can pass a driving test.”

According to Matt Gurwell, Founder and CEO of Keeping us Safe, LLC, one suggestion is to offer a formal driver’s evaluation for older adults that helps identify areas of concern related to the older driver. Afterwards, staff can help the family and older adult develop an appropriate action plan for driving cessation if warranted and ensure a smooth transition from the driver’s seat to the passenger’s seat.

Another recommendation is to consider Elder Mediation (EM) to resolve the Car Keys Conversation. A neutral (mediator) listens to all parties including the older adult, and facilitates a brain-storming period in which family considers options to resolve the problem. Remember, for the older adult it’s not just about stubbornness but about independence; for the family member, it’s not just about inconvenience or calls from the police department, but about safety. In lieu of heated arguments about which side will “win,” the mediator helps the family focus on the positive issues of independence and safety.

One interesting Elder Mediation case involved an 83-year old gentleman whose exasperated daughter insisted her father should give up the keys. She was truly worried about his own and others’ safety due to increasing fender benders, car dents and “near misses.”

Both parties agreed to EM and developed a creative plan in which the father kept ownership and the car keys, and had the 16-year old neighbor boy act as his chauffeur after school and some weekend times. The teen got in his practice driving; the older neighbor still got to spend time with his friends at the deli, get his hair cut and do other short errands almost daily.

Elder Mediation benefits both parties in the car key conflict. The older adult has a voice, safety and independence issues are addressed, options and an action plan are considered and perhaps most importantly, EM takes the heat off the family member who would otherwise be referred to as “the one who took my keys away!”

And I wonder if and when I reach the time when I must give up my “wheels,” will I have the same grace as my mother to make the car key decision?

Patti Bertschler is a clinical counselor, mediator, author, trainer and co-owner of Northcoast Conflict Solution in Seven Hills, Ohio. She is co-author of TRUCE! Using Elder Mediation to Resolve Conflict among Families, Seniors and Organizations (©2004) and Elder Mediation: A New Solution to Age-Old Problems (© 2009). Her booklet 88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive was published in 2010. Patti can be reached via website, www.ncsmediation.com or by calling (216) 236-6200.