Most of us feel inadequate when a friend is going through a crisis: death, divorce, aging parents, personal health, etc. We often jump to the rescue by providing some form of physical/logistical support like doing errands, making phone calls, and cooking up comfort food. Perhaps our sense of inadequacy is fueled by the sense that we either don’t know how to provide emotional support or we believe that getting close to raw emotions might be dangerous to ourselves and our friends. Nothing could be further from the truth, because if all of your friends and family are avoiding the emotional aspect of the crisis, then the friend you want to help is left to "feel alone" or worse yet, hide what he or she is feeling.

If you are a health care professional, you may feel the sense of inadequacy more than most because your professional training is "to heal", and when you observe friends going through emotional upheaval, it’s very frustrating, And, of course, you want to do something, anything to help!

True friends help each other by asking, listening, and empathizing with feelings. It is an art. that once embarked upon, gets better with time and becomes a satisfying and life enhancing process. So let’s consider some tools that will be helpful to your friends and to you. The benefits will be many, including developing a sense of calm and reduction of stress for friends, You will benefit from a renewed perspective. Running around DOING things will assume a rightful place in the caring and comforting of your friends.

So where do any of us begin to support friends and family who are experiencing an emotional crisis? The key is simply TO BE PRESENT.

To be present is all about giving time to a friend. Showing up with no particular agenda, to just have a cup of coffee or deliver a baked item or to sit for awhile gives space and time for the emotional life of your friend. Your gift of time will say to your friend, "I am here, so say what you want to say." Saying these words can often be less effective than just demonstrating that you have time for him/her. But don’t expect that your friend will share true feelings the first time; it may take a few visits before issues that need expressing come out.

What I often find in these situations is my friend is suffering from some form of guilt--guilt over issues like, "Could I have done more?", "I should have asked more questions." or "If only we had.............". When people feel guilt like this, it’s important that they have a close friend who will not pass judgment but rather just listen.

Once your friend is able to say what emotions he/she is feeling, then try to help by asking some open ended questions that demonstrate that actions often are optional and ambiguous. Often, it’s not clear what to do when the life or well being of someone is at risk. Questions like the following can help ease feelings of guilt and help your friend realize that the course taken was based on the best thought and care at the time.

Questions:

-What other recourse did you have?

-Was a clear cut answer available?

-What positive results were achieved?

What other questions can you think of to help a friend realize that taking on the emotional burdens of "What If’s" after the crisis is over can be a losing game?

Another action to take when helping a friend through emotional crisis is to empathize and recall a time when you were in an situation that didn’t have a clear cut answer. I find that most people, including myself, feel alone and forget that emotional crisis, including feelings of guilt, are universal. Everyone experiences emotion, crisis, guilt, etc., but when we are in the midst of crisis, we think we are the only ones to ever experience emotional upheaval. So CONFIRM for your friend that he/she is not alone, that talking about it and thinking back on the experience can help all of us gain perspective.

Good friends are one of the top blessings of my life. I am sure they are for you too.

About Margery

Margery Pabst is the co-author of "Enrich Your Caregiving Journey", the winner of the "2010 Caregiver Friendly Award". The book has over 130 tips and tools for making the lives of caregivers happier and more enriched. You can find out more about Margery and her book by going to www.pivotalcrossings.com
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