Have you checked your electric meter lately?  I thought not…too many other things for a caregiver to do.  Mine is hidden in an obscure spot at the back of the house, out of sight and out of mind.  I turn on the computer, television or toaster, and never give it a thought.  With the flip of a switch or press of a button I am in business.  Electrical energy is always there when you need it; too bad human energy is not like electricity.

My friend, who knows how caregiving has drained me, recently said, “Your meter is always running.”  Her message: concern about my Mother is constantly sapping my energy.  Like turning on the radio, I sometimes consciously flick on the worry switch, focus on what is happening to Mother and fret about where her dementia will take us.  Sometimes I know I am worrying and see its negative consequences.

But there is a second type of worry weighing on my heart, even when I don’t recognize it. This invisible anxiety, like that hidden electric meter, is out of sight and out of mind.  Concern about my Mother is now a constant backdrop in my life.  Waking up at 3:30AM, disturbed by a half-forgotten dream, I move to the guest room, hoping to reclaim a few more hours of rest before the alarm.  The meter is running.  Calling my friend at 4:30 Tuesday afternoon, I sob about the hospice nurse’s dire report on Mom.  The meter is running.  Telling friends and family about Mother’s advancing dementia, I talk about her in almost every conversation.  The meter is running.

My friend’s comment figuratively walked me around back, to see my ever-running energy meter.  She helped me recognize that both unconscious anxiety and conscious worry are consuming my life-force, minute-by-minute, just as surely as if I had plugged in an old refrigerator in the basement, flipped the switch, walked upstairs and shut the door.  I may not be standing there looking at it, but that energy-guzzling old fridge is running, and I am being charged for every kilowatt hour!  Though out of sight, the energy-drain it is no longer out of mind.  Now I see that I must pay for the unconscious, as well as my conscious concerns.  The bill for both always comes due.  How can I budget my energies to have enough to care for Mom until the end?  I will:

• Acknowledge the steady drain of constant concern
• Look and listen for signs that “my meter is always running”: insomnia, appetite changes, irritability, and depression, to name a few
• Ask close family and friends to help me recognize these signs
• Practice all the self-care techniques that work well for me: walking, getting a massage, napping, praying, meditating, talking with friends, writing, cooking, limiting work and volunteer commitments, asking for help. 

I know what to do to conserve and replenish my energy.  Now, I just need to do it, because the meter will continue to run as long as my Mom continues to live. 

How about you?  Like me, are you a daughter caring for your parents?  Is your meter always running?  Consider some of these questions to help you recognize and respond to conscious or unconscious worry:

1. What are some concerns that invisibly, but incessantly consume your energy?
2. What signs indicate that your meter is running?
3. What price do you pay for letting worry silently siphoned-off your energy?
4. What are some steps you could take to diminish or let-go of your conscious worries?
5. What are some steps you could take to conserve or replenish your energy?

Jane Meier Hamilton MSN, RN, a nurse for 35 years and family caregiver for 20 years, founded Partners on the Path www.partnersonthepath.org to help professional and family caregivers preserve their health, well-being and capacity to care. Read her book, Journey of a Lifetime: The Caregiver’s Guide to Self-Care (Infinity 2010) to learn sensible, effective ways to cope with your caregiver stress.