Of all your relationships, the odds are that you’ll know your brothers and sisters longer than anyone else in your lives. Considering this, you’ll want to do your best to maintain good relationships with them, particularly when your aging parent becomes ill. For better or worse, you will be brought together and called on to interact with one another in ways that you may never have imagined. It isn’t always easy. The stress of caregiving will undoubtedly expose family tensions that may have been long dormant. Or it might create new ones.
One family dynamic that almost inevitably comes into play is the prior relationship among siblings and parents, before the parent became sick or frail. Just because your parent needs care, don’t assume these tensions will be smoothed over for the higher cause. Not encouraging news, for sure—but knowing this can help you enter a crisis situation with awareness and an open mind.
In our work in eldercare, my husband, John Mills, and I have met many different caregivers in diverse family situations. While every family is unique, we’ve noticed a spectrum of family personalities that fall into three main types. Does one of them sound like yours?
1.The Stable Family. This family is relatively happy, and everyone gets along well. The parents seem to have raised the siblings fairly, with equal treatment, and there are no deep resentments. Siblings enjoy each other’s company and gather or communicate regularly with one another. In a crisis situation, they unite quickly and can work together efficiently.
2.The Family with Some Dysfunctions. Most families, I believe, fall into this category. Perhaps some family members differ in personality and in what they value, to the point where they don’t see eye to eye on many things. While they may love one another and be cordial, they don’t necessarily seek out each other’s company. They will pull together in a crisis situation, but may not be able to communicate and act quickly because of past tensions or conflicting egos and personalities.
3.The Dysfunctional Family. In this type of family, the parents might have played favorites or pitted one sibling against another. Rivalries still linger, or there may be difficult personalities who can’t seem to work together. There is typically a communication breakdown, and perhaps some family members refuse to speak to each other. Without outside guidance and assistance, the consequences of family conflict could be devastating here. Some families—my father’s, for example—end up battling each other in court, falling apart, and wasting time, money, and energy that could have been devoted to improving care for the parent.
No matter where your family falls in this spectrum, the stress of caregiving will challenge the strength of your relationships with your parents and siblings. If your relationships were good to begin with and there is a willingness to work together as a team for the sake of the parent, your relationships may transform and strengthen, and your bonds with one another may deepen.
If your relationships were not so great to begin with, you could see this as an opportunity to set aside personal history or resentments and deal with the situation at hand. Focusing on what the needs are, how you can help, and volunteering your time, can improve the situation immensely. Working together for the sake of your parent should be the common goal. It can be a challenge, particularly in a crisis situation, but keeping emotions out of the equation and becoming a contributor are probably the best ways you can help your parent and yourself.
If members of your family are unable to communicate with one another, one of the best solutions I’ve seen is to bring in a neutral, outside party who is an expert at handling challenging family situations. Such services have been immeasurably valuable to many families I’ve met, who were stuck in bitter squabbles over critical decisions. Professionals devoted to this type of family work include:
- Family Coaches. These professionals are experienced in helping families work through the issues for the benefit of an aging parent. There is no centralized directory for them that I’m aware of. However, if you Google “family transition coach” along with your city, you may find some in your area. Many consult by phone as well.
- Geriatric Care Managers. These are certified professionals with degrees in social work or nursing. To find one in your area, visit www.caremanager.org.
- Social Workers. To find a social worker specializing in eldercare, contact your local Area Agency on Aging.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of families working together when caring for a parent. No matter how dysfunctional the situation, every person can take part and be a contributor. The only prerequisites: the ability to set emotions aside, a willingness to cooperate, and most importantly, an open heart.
To find a social worker specializing in eldercare, contact your local Area Agency on Aging. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of families working together when caring for a parent. No matter how dysfunctional the situation, every person can take part and be a contributor. The only prerequisites: the ability to set emotions aside, a willingness to cooperate, and most importantly, an open heart.
In an upcoming article, I'll discuss ways that families can unite and work together, how to organize a family meeting, and how to use new tools to help siblings monitor and communicate with one another about their parents' care.
