In my last article, "Eldercare: Expanding the Options", I noted collaboration as a central tool to being an effective and empowered caregiver. Collaboration is also critical when adopting a mind set that views elders/care partners as equals in the caring process and acknowledges the importance of their wisdom, feedback, and insight.

The purpose of this companion article is to identify practical tools and behaviors for putting collaboration into action as a central skill to your being an informed, thoughtful, and empowered caregiver. While there are many tools/behaviors for putting collaboration into action, three stand out in my mind as the gateways to becoming a collaborative caregiver:

-Fostering the artful question,

-Identifying the degree of collaboration you can achieve, and

-Planning for both moments and meetings.

My definition of collaboration is thinking, doing, and achieving outcomes with another person or numbers of people. Achieving outcomes "with" your loved one/care partner rather than doing things "to" them is a way to think about it. Put into a question format, the collaborative caregiver will be asking "What tasks, decisions, actions can my care partner/loved one/elder do or make on his own?" Not only will shared tasks, decisions, and actions empower you (and give you more time), but they will also empower your care partner. Collaboration is a win/win!!!

So what do I mean by "fostering the artful question", the first tool in the toolbox? One tip is that the most high quality (and thus artful) questions typically start with the words, "how" and "why". Let’s try this with an example.

Example: My father was a wonderful handyman about the house. When I bought my first house and then throughout my caregiving experience with Dad, he continued to produce just the right outcome like getting the washer fixed or the crabgrass to die with a minimum amount of labor and cost to him or me. How did he do it? I found that the "how" question, encouraging Dad to tell me exactly what steps he took, what tools he used, etc. taught me so much about his skills, some of which finally did transfer to his daughter! It was empowering for both of us, Dad as teacher and me as student. During his explanations, I also asked several "why" questions like "Why did you decide to not to water for two days?" or "Why do you only need two types of nails to fix the door", or "Why did you use this screwdriver instead of that one?" As Dad and I explored the never ending intricacies of home maintenance, I felt closer to him than ever before. The disempowering aspects of his illness lessened and he became the vital father I always knew. Try out the "how" and "why" questions and see what happens!

The second tool in your collaboration box is identifying the degree of collaboration you can achieve with your care partner. Both the illness and the person’s willingness will determine what collaboration you can achieve. Also note that the first tool, "fostering the artful question", will go a long way toward achieving a closeness, comfort, and trust with the person. I found that my father’s willingness to participate in his care pointed directly to my taking the time to ask questions and really listen to his answers.

One quick way to analyze the person’s willingness to collaborate is to identify behaviors for both low and high collaboration. Low collaboration behaviors include a resistance to understand medications and medical situations, no interest in asking questions about present or future treatment, goals, or options. High collaboration behaviors include a person who seeks to understand his medical condition, who does research, administers his own medication, asks questions, and engages in goal setting and options for treatment. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of the low-high scale. Ask, "Where is my loved one on the low-high scale?" and "Where can I begin to engage more collaboration: setting goals, discussing options, making meals, etc.?"

The third key tool in your collaboration kit is "planning for moments and meetings", a tool which requires that you analyze your caring community of family and perhaps friends, identifying who, from both a skill and attitude standpoint, will be your trusted collaborators. The people you trust the most will be asked to help with specific tasks that you have identified.

I like to categorize the needs of the loved one/care partner into the following areas: physical, environmental, medical, recreation, and relationship needs.

-Physical: Who is able and willing to help with eating and bathroom needs?

-Environmental: Who is able and willing to help with cleaning and creating a pleasing living area?

-Medical: Who is able and willing to help with medications and doctor visits?

-Recreation: Who is able and willing to help with activities like the computer, movies, reading books, playing games and music?

-Relationship: Who is able and willing to sit and talk, listening to the person’s emotional needs?

You may never have a collaborative care partner for every category or, over time, you may select different ones when you ask for help. Meetings with your collaborative caring community will be lively and informative as everyone shares perspectives on how best to empower the elder/care partner.

The benefits of this collaborative tool box are extensive. To name a few, both you and your care partner are empowered, your caring community is engaged with appropriate tasks, and you have more time to take care of yourself.

I will have the pleasure of discussing this collaborative tool box with Susan Baida, co-founder of eCareDiary on Monday, July 12 at 2pm EST. Specific ways for further developing your collaborative tool box will be explored. You can access this discussion here. 

About Margery

Margery Pabst is a speaker, facilitator, and the co-author of "Enrich Your Caregiving Journey" (Expert Publishing, 2009), recipient of the Caregiver Friendly Award for 2010. Find out more about Margery and her book at www.pivotalcrossings.com.